I think that being depressed for some people (like me) can be exacerbated by feeling like nobody wants to hear about it. If you think about therapists’ jobs, it’s really a wonder why they don’t have the highest rate of suicide, that prize is still held by dentists somewhat unsurprisingly, but I digress. Depression isn’t something that people want to hear about. It’s the same reason why when someone asks how are you the “appropriate” answer is, “I’m fine.”

Theres a comedian who does a bit on this and unfortunately in this moment I am forgetting who it is (potentially Louie C.K.) but he talks about how you can’t respond with, “honestly not that great.” Because in doing so you’re subjecting someone else to hear about negativity that they didn’t ask to hear. Now, I could spend this blog discussing what negativity actually is and the feeling of it in relation to depression but I’m not going to. Genuinely it’s a funny skit even if I don’t make it sound like it is.

The problem is it’s hard to be depressed day in and day out. Arguably it’s just as hard to listen to someone who is. This is a cyclical chain of events. People who are depressed feel depressed, so they usually don’t talk about it because they are afraid if they do it will bring down others. Then, when they do talk about it, they feel bad that they did because they think it makes the person they talked to about it feels bad, worries, scared, and gives them certain obligations (which it can). And finally, when they find someone, they talk to about it regularly they get in their heads about “Jesus, now all this person thinks of me is this sad depressed person and they are tired of it,” (and in some cases they do) and they feel like they have alienated another person. Which in term makes them depressed. 

This chain of events is so difficult to deal with and honestly could be one of the reasons why so many depressed people turn to comedy, I know I do. My sense of humor is dark. I mean suicidally so. You should see the memes I send back and forth with certain people, oh my god. For me I think it’s somewhat of a coping mechanism. If I am always talking about how depressed I feel, nobody wants to hear about it, but if mid-sentence I can drop a joke about it then the person listening to me might feel a little better and in turn I might feel a little better.

 
I don’t think that everyone should be as self-deprecating as I am. I sometimes take it a little too far because that is my comfort level; but do you understand what I am saying? If all I wrote on this blog was that I am depressed and this is everything that sucks you would probably respond to it by saying “yeah, those things do suck, anyway…” and go do something else which would be bad for me and honestly make this boring for you. 

Theoretically because I can talk about things like “it’s a wonder how dentists are still the most suicidal profession,” the topic becomes more palatable. 

There are days for palatable and there are days for indigestible realities. I am certainly not the person to tell you which are which. 

Today was a less digestible day. Like the third day in a row of getting back to the gym, everything hurts because you’re trying, but it’s because you are trying that it won’t down the road. Your investment isn’t for now, it’s for later. 

You hope that tomorrow it won’t hurt and you pray that if you just keep going at some point you won’t remember how you got wherever you end up. In one hundred days after going to the gym every day it will just be part of your being, you won’t be sore anymore, you won’t have to think about doing it, and you won’t really remember how you got to the milestone; you’ll just be there. 

It's so much easier to do a thing when you can’t think of how many times you’ve already done it. Think of a habit that you have. Can you remember when you started? Think of the second, third or even fourth day. Doesn’t it feel so much easier now? Didn’t it feel like complete shit then? 

The transition of complete shit to total normality is insane. It feels so far away from both positions. How do I possibly get there and how did I get here? 

Theres probably some inspirational quote about pushing through till you subconsciously disengage from chore to standard or something like that but it’s a hard thing to do when you’re in a constant state of analysis. It’s hard to forget about something you think about every waking moment. It’s hard to turn something off that you feel in every second. 
Depression is a movie nobody would watch. It’s the same colorless crap repeatedly. Theres rarely any story development, drama or arch. I’d say it would be like watching grass grow but even that develops. I think it would be more like watching gum stuck to the bottom of the subway track in NYC. There would be hardly anything to note, very little change and at some point, it would either fall of or a rat would come carry it away and the credits would roll.

It's hard to watch, it’s hard to listen to and it’s especially hard to do both consistently.

Today I struggled with consistency. I wanted to break my new rules and go back to doing what I “want” to do today. I felt the dip of no results pounding in my heart and in my head. I kept saying, none of what I am doing is making any difference. What is the point? I am still at the beginning and it’s so hard to see the finish from the start not knowing if there even is a finish line. There isn’t by the way. It just keeps going until you become a dentist or something. 

See, I told you, dark humor. 

Truly, being in the middle of change is hard and there’s no guarantee it will stick or what direction the change will take you. You just have to keep barreling through until something happens and honestly nothing might happen. That has been my status quo for the last nine months. I make changes, I try to stay consistent, I feel no difference and so I stop and go back to square one. I’m really trying not to do that right now. I’m trying to do every little thing I don’t want to do until I am on the other side wondering how I got here and doing things I don’t want to do without even giving them the satisfaction of such a label.