I woke up this morning and there was a tree on top of my car. No, this isn’t a metaphor or an exaggeration.  In trying to better myself, hold routine and create paths to getting through my depression I made one of my goals for this week to wake up early and go to sleep at a reasonable time.  

Over the past 10 days I have been working on making active change to my life and my lifestyle. Ironically not to benefit my depression but rather to help another condition I have been blessed with, gout. As a reminder, I am 31 years old and in good shape. Why do I have gout you may ask, because apparently, I am an 83-year-old overweight man trapped in the body of a 160lb thirty-year-old.  I have been on a very strict diet to help my gout, and I wouldn’t mind being a little more fit as well (I mean, who doesn’t) so I thought I would use this opportunity to make some changes in my life. I also thought they could help with my depression. Having a goal, some routine, and feeling any kind of purpose in what I am doing even if I fucking hate it could be a good thing. It’s only been about 10 days, and I can tell you that I would kill for a double cheeseburger and a martini right now.  This morning my alarm went off at 7am, I hit snooze till 7:30 (I didn’t say I have been completely successful at this routine, but I digress) and got out of bed. I don’t really have a morning routine yet which is part of my struggle and something I will be working on in the next few weeks. Since some of these actives are potentially the cause of my mood change, I am thinking that the more I can do, the better I will feel, so why not do all of them. Make more routines, create new habits and add good behavior until I am blue in the face. I’ve been thinking that a good morning routine would be a cup of tea and sitting on my porch watching the dog play, but we will see. 

Either way, I got out of bed and made my way to my desk where I began to work until a half hour later someone rang my doorbell. Who the hell is ringing my doorbell at 8:15am on a Tuesday? The driver of a garbage truck, of course!  He asked me the question every auto owner loves to hear, “is that your car?” and as he pointed at my Volvo I purchased just over a year ago that I had been rear-ended in 3 months after purchasing I imagined the worst and sighed, “yes.” 

The driver had caught a branch about 13 feed long hanging off my neighbor’s tree and snapped it clean off. It probably weighted as much as a horse, and it was now laid across the hood of my car. We walked out to it, I took some photos and videos saying very little and just trying to let this moment sink in. He notified me of what had happened, that he was very sorry and that his supervisor and LADP were on the way to do a police report. 

So, there I was, in my PJs, looking at my tree covered car at eight in the morning, and I did all I could think to do in that moment. I looked at the truck driver and said, “ok, you want a cup of tea? I’m going to make a pot.”  This is a prime example of the wind being taken out from under your wings. Yesterday I felt like I was finally beginning to feel something and like the depression might soon come to an end and today a tree fell on my fucking car. It’s incredible, genuinely amazing how quickly and unexpectedly things like this can happen. One moment you’re turning the corner and the next you realize, “that’s not a corner, it’s just a wall with a weird glare.” 

However, all that being said, I might actually still be doing better than I thought because this moment did not feel like the end of the world. It did not feel like compounding interest on top of my depression leading to the inevitable snap. It didn’t ruin me and make me feel like I couldn’t do anything, but rather the opposite. I knew exactly who to call (a lawyer), I took every step to make sure I took all the photos, videos, and recordings that any insurance agent would need and as soon as it was over I went back to my desk and continued working until I was ready to get up and go to the gym. There was no feeling of inability or crushing desire to get back in bed with a pillow over my head. I was just there dealing with it.

I’m not saying there’s a right or a wrong way to handle the experience of the sanitation department dropping a tree on your car, but if there was, having a cup of tea and watching what is completely out of your control run its course until you need to hand someone your drivers license is a pretty damn good way to do it. 

Part of being depressed for me is an intense feeling of being out of control. This shadow that nothing I am doing is right and I have no say in the direction of my life or how the world is going to fuck me in the ass on any given day. The feeling that I don’t know what to do and what’s worse, that I can’t do anything. The phrase about changing what you can, letting go of what you can’t and the wisdom to know the difference is one that has been with me for as long as I can remember; but when you are depressed, it is hard! You lose that wisdom because it is all either your own or the universes fault so sitting back to watch with the acceptance that it’s going to be ok is an impossibility even when you know it will be.  

Now, don’t get me wrong, today sucked. I am pissed. I want nothing more than to shove my head into a body of water and scream because yet again the universe has chosen me for its vengeful amusement. Yet again, I feel a break, a moment of sunshine and in the blink of an eye I am sent back to knowing that there is no break here, there or anywhere. I am depressed and that feeling that I just cannot get ahead of this and there is always something pushing me back is weighing so hard on me right now. 

But I was able to stop and have a cup of tea. I am not sure I could have done that 4 months ago. I definitely couldn’t have gone to the gym later in the day and I certainly wouldn’t have found something to laugh at later in the evening, but today I did. Are things getting better? Fuck no! I don’t know if you heard me but there was a fucking tree on my car this morning! Am I getting better though? Perhaps.