Hello, I’m Noah and in an attempt to make the beginning of this not sound like an AA meeting I’m inserting this line about the AA meeting for dramatic effect, and I am depressed. I have been depressed for a long time. Longer that I may have even realized actually. Recently my therapist and psychiatrist asked very pertinent questions about my life that may or may not have indicated to us that I’ve been going through episodes of depression since my mid-teens and that I have spent approximately 65% of my life in a depressive episode. I am now 31 to give you some idea of that timeline. Most recently I have been in what one would call a depressive episode for the last nine or so months. And with as much sugar as I can spare, I can tell you it has not been fun. 

I’ve spent time thinking about not being here anymore and predominantly struggled with a new word that I learned last year, “anhedonia.” For those of you who don’t know, this is classified as “the inability to feel pleasure from activities that are typically enjoyable.” This is especially topical when people who know I am depressed say; “well, what do you do for fun? What can you do to make yourself happy?” To which I have a few responses. The first is that happieness has nothing to do with it and the other is that I AM TRYING BUT IT DOESN’T WORK, THAT’S HOW ANHEDONIA WORKS! 

So why am I typing this out and posting it on the internet? I don’t know. Ok, I do, sort of. I am writing this not for money (of which I am sure there will be none), for fame (of which I am sure there will be none), or for people to read (of which I am again sure there will be none). I am writing if because today, August 18th, 2025, I feel something and writing that feeling down feels like something I should do. It isn’t necessarily something I want to do but something I feel like I should do, and I can tell you THAT is a felling I have not had in quite some time. 

Depression is hard. It’s uncomfortable to talk about and as soon as the word suicide or the idea of offing yourself is even hinted at you think you’re going to be added to some FBI watchlist. You’re not. I think. 

I think I am obliged to say this since I am talking about depression and some darker subjects that I am not an expert. In feeling depressed I am fairly experienced I think at this point, but as far as advice, opinions, and anything else I have no background that puts me any higher on a pedestal than any other random person you may bump into on the street. 

I also want to say that I am still depressed. This is not the start of a self-help blog that displays the overcoming of depression and the achievement of normalcy. I have no step-by-step guide to feeling better and I don’t know if any of what I write will mean anything to anyone other than me. Theres a few things I think I’ll talk about here. I’ll probably discuss the deep dark pit that is depression, the many ways I have tried to describe depression to people who have no concept of it, (to those who have no concept of it… please do not take that as an insult. Having no concept of depression is not a bad thing. Arguably, it’s the best! If you meet a quantum physicist, you don’t suddenly feel bad that you don’t understand what they are talking about just because they are also a human being. You just say, “wow, that’s really something, I have no idea what you just said but cool.” The same is true for depression, you don’t need to relate or have a concept, just be.), what has helped me (or I think has helped me) from time to time to feel better, what I am going through RIGHT NOW, the bruit forcing of one’s self through feeling shitting to feel better, medication and the joys of drugs, and the conversations I have had with so many people about being depressed as well as the ones I should have. 

I might cover some of these topics, I might not. 

For now, however, let me tell you where I am at, yet again. I have been in a depressive episode for approximately nine months. I suffer from a major case of anhedonia. I been seeing a therapist for about a year and a half, and I recently started seeing a psychiatrist to help deal with the clearly biological component of my depression. I’ve discussed everything from daily meds to ketamine treatments to running into the woods at this point. It has been a constant barrage of not feeling better; barreling into each day, forcing myself to do every little thing with pure will power. From going to work to wiping my ass life has been a chore. It’s a terrible thing to feel. It seems like it will never get better and not only you, but the entire world is sinking into the abyss of darkness because it’s not just you that’s fucked up, but the entire world and everyone in it is a nightmare. How can we possibly go up from here?

If any of that sounds even remotely familiar, you’re probably in the right place. 

However, something happened today, something different and I felt a feeling and it wasn’t despair. 

For the first time in nine months, I felt something. I am not saying it was a good something, but it was a real something and I needed it. Over the last week (and trust me I know that is not a long time) I have completely changed by diet because of a different ailment (gout) to better keep my body in check. I have edited my sleeping habits, I am trying to go back to the gym, and I am creating a daily task to do list as well as a weekly schedule. Have I done all of this before while being depressed? Yes, I have. Have I been doing it over the last few months? Yes, I have. However, something today felt different. Maybe it is the combination of these routines or the pace at which I am adding new habits (2 per week) or maybe I am hallucinating and having a singular good day in a sea of terrible ones to remind me just how shit it is. I don’t know the answer, and I don’t know if it will last but today while I drove from my house to my friends on the 118 freeway in Los Angeles I heard a song I loved and have heard thousands of times, I heard it just a few days ago in fact. This listen though; I enjoyed it. I took joy in something that I normally would take joy in.  

Enjoying the things that you actually enjoy. It sounds obvious, doesn’t it? It can be so much harder that you may ever need to know, or you may know exactly what I am talking about. Today I enjoyed listening to a song I have heard thousands of times for the first time in nine months. I stopped the car and recorded myself acknowledging the moment. 

I told myself that this may not last (I sure hope it does, but I don’t want to jinx myself) but today I may have gotten a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel. It could also be a train heading toward me and some days I really wish it was, but that’s the cynic in me. 

I walked away from today wanting to writing it down and share it with anyone who might want to read it. Maybe I can explain how I got here and maybe I can document where I am going. Maybe it’s helpful for me or you or someone else. I don’t know. I really don’t know much but I’ll keep writing as long as I have something to say and I am with you. 

Song from today – Stick Season by Noah Kahan